Nev's Dwellings: Managing Emotions In A Submissive

“I want you to go to a public bathroom, remove all your clothing and wank yourself until you cum. Of course, I expect you to clean up the way I like for you to.”

“Mistress, please no. You know how hard it is for me to do that in public. Please don’t make me.”

“I understand your feelings and struggles in doing this. However, I desire that you try. That’s all I’m asking, for you to go and try to do this for me.”

“Yes, Mistress. I will try for you.”

“Thank you dear.”…

The conversation moves forward, a little talking, a little teasing about what he is going to do lightens the mood. The submissive seems to be doing alright. He is responding to your cues, following your lead to make him feel more comfortable.

You have asked him to try something that is new and scary. He seems open and accepting. However, how does he really feel? Later, the conversation continues…

… “My dear, when I asked you to do this, what was your first gut reaction?”

“Mistress, I am willing to do anything you desire.”

“I know and appreciate that dear, but I am asking your gut reaction, not the reaction of your submissive self.” …

The submissive quickly thinks. He is allowed and expected to express his feelings, but can he really tell you how he feels without hurting your feelings or making you second-guess yourself?

When first confronted with a situation that is limit expanding and demanding, many submissives have a menagerie of emotions – fear, anxiety and maybe a brief case of resentment. How we, as dominants, react to these feelings really defines how successful the relationship will be.

They are allowed to feel these emotions, after all, wouldn’t you if you were asked to do something that was scary for you. The key, I feel, is how we react. My personal belief is that I need to distract the submissive for a few minutes with something else, to take his thoughts off his emotions. Just as I whisper in an ear that “my pussy is getting so wet,” when I am flogging a clothespin off someone to distract them from their pain and give them a little encouragement, distracting them during their initial reaction in pushing a limit is just as important.

No matter how long or how much experience a submissive has had, negative emotions will arise. I have listened to a submissive ‘let me have it.” I allow them to express all their thoughts, at times they just ramble words that might not make sense.

No, this isn’t submissive, but when emotions are fueling inside a human, being submissive isn’t the emotion that is surging at the moment. Taking the time to sit back and listen to their words – how they are saying it, or if it’s online, noticing their grammar errors or misspelled words that are more than usual – is one of the most important things we can do for our submissive.

You can’t take the negative emotions personally. Even if they feel anger or anxiety with the situation, they don’t feel it towards you per sé. Sometimes emotions take over. Once they calm down and feel as if they have expressed the feelings to you, then you may go back and discuss why they feel this way, and if needed, how they could have better reacted in order for you to help and understand them through the emotions.

… “Mistress, I am very afraid and scared, and to be honest, I don’t want to do this.”

“Then why are you doing it dear?”

“Because you asked it of me Mistress.”

“Yes, I did and I thank you for doing it. Please tell me how you dealt with the anxiety and emotions you experienced.”

The key here is to see how he responds to this the first time it happens compared to the most recent time, because no matter how hard they try to hold back, emotions will jump out. Is he more respectful in how he responds to his emotions? Has he learned that he is allowed to have these emotions, but that there is a proper way to express them? How you respond, in a calm, objective manner shows and confirms to them that no matter how emotional they get, you will still be in control and can handle even the most strenuous of situations.

When one of my submissives and I first started, his first reaction when he felt anxiety or fear was to run – which for him, meant get offline and avoid me for days – he did this on several occasions. However, after the initial surge of emotions ended, we were able to talk. Each time this happened, the running lessened and now we can openly discuss his emotions. In doing this, I also have found that I am more open with my emotions.

In preparing for this article, I asked him a few questions. I wanted to see how open he felt he could be with me. I actually was surprised by some of his answers and this led us into other topics, which is wonderful for our communications.

“If I ask you to do something and you don’t want to, what emotion does that bring forth.”

His responses ranged between guilt, frustration, and relief.

When I asked if he ever felt resentment he said, “Sure, being made to do stuff, especially with you, the trust card can bring up resentment. But, I think over time, I know you much better and know you wish me no harm so, the resentment is largely superficial, generalization is hard, depends on the situation you’re asking. And my frame-of-mind are all factors. Same thing at two different times could possibly have two different reactions.”

[me] “If you are feeling angry, resentful, or scared, how important is my reaction to you when you express this? Meaning how I react to your emotions.”

[him] “Again, no black or white. It is important and my response will be dependant on what I feel your reaction to it will be. Sometimes the situation is such where I feel there is limited room for negotiation then it is different to where I feel you are open to discussion.”

[me] “So what emotions come when I say, I want you to do xxx, you've already explained to me that you are anxious and nervous to do it, but I still ask it of you?”

[him] “There is only one issue between us ultimately. We have reached a point where I know, you will never ask me to do anything that you are not 100% sure is safe. So, the negotiation is more a task in getting my mind to accept things. Despite knowing you, sometimes it works sometimes not. In private, I think I am open to just about anything. But because of what I said earlier, the non-private side of things really scare me and brings about frustration, and ultimately makes me scared that it will be the cause of things going off the rails permanently.”

[me] “That makes sense, thank you, but it brings another question. You feel if you don’t do as I ask, then that will cause me to leave?”

[him] “Yes, not at that instant... but over time it may. Not as a friend, but Mistress.”

[me] “So you have done things for me, that makes you scared or nervous because of the fear of losing me as a Mistress?”

[him]“It is never the overriding factor. No single emotion is, but sometimes it does play a part.”

This last part, of course made us talk even more, which is a good thing. I never realized that he really felt that way. However, me allowing him to express his emotions opened the door for us to grow closer.

In the end, emotions can be managed, both positive and negative ones. The positive ones are the easiest, but the negative ones are the ones that teach us the most about our submissives and ourselves. Being there to listen and not condemn the submissive for having negative emotions is one of the most important building block we can we can have in place for the relationship. We need to let them know it is acceptable to have the negative emotions and no matter what, we are here to listen, accept and calm any emotional reactions.